say hello, wave goodbye

When my siblings and I were much younger, every year my grandparents took us and our West cousins to stay the weekend in Park City. We always took an afternoon to ride the Alpine slide and eat lunch at the Park City Resort. My grandpa loves to tell the story about how one year, post-slide, I went blazing down the hill straight into the street. My grandpa chased after me and once he caught me, firmly chastised me because of the danger, which apparently both hurt my little feelings and also made me mad. Supposedly then, the next year I did the same thing, except...this time before I hit the street, I looked back at my grandpa with spite in my eyes and simply stuck my toes off the edge of the curb. I have no recollection of the events but the whole point of the story is to illustrate how fantastically amazing I am at holding grudges, and isn't it hilarious that at such a little age she managed to stay mad a whole year?!

And probably you can tell the story to anyone who has known me very long and they'd all slap their knees and laugh at the story because, ha! So true! Don't cross that Emily! So I've been pretty well aware in my life that I have a nasty streak of holding other people too accountable for the real or imagined hurt they've caused my dumb feelings.

As previously discussed, I figure that my tendency toward emotional intensity probably made me a boy mutant most of my teenage life (that or I was really ugly!). And to some degree, I've felt the same way about all other relationships too because sheesh, I was always hurt by something or someone. I think it just came from this stupid thing about me where I always assume I like everyone more than they like me. Which is weird cus while I am mostly boring, I'm still fairly awesome so it's not like I think people don't like me. Of course they like me! I just get nervous about how strongly I generally feel and then the reciprocation thereof.

So I started working on it, trying to get rid of it. And one of the very many reasons I love being an adult, is feeling like I've got it sorted out better now. I try to filter everything through a pretty heavy perspective screen, I take deep breaths, and I figure no one needs to hear me whine about how I feel. And of course, I know that doesn't always work, particularly the last one. During a school crunch time I know everyone around me hears about how stressed out I am, or when I really and truly have hurt feelings I'm likely to slide sarcastic comments about it into a conversation, but you know...working on it. Mostly I try to remember that geez, I've got a really easy life and sad feelings always pass and there are so many more important things in the world, so no need to be dramatic about me. I know that I'm really deeply affected by the people around me and that's going to continue, but everyone doesn't need to hear about it when it's on the crappy side and I don't need to take it out on anyone...I'm (mostly) in control.

So almost nothing is more frustrating to me than feeling something that I just. can't. seem. to. control. I feel like I really understand that poor Hulk guy, cus sometimes, though well aware of all the reasons I shouldn't feel emotional about a thing or a situation, I still just do. Probably everyone feels that sometimes right? I feel like when that happens it's hard for me to not shut off and to feel generally more sensitive; and I hate that. Probably if I was some incredible artist or a musician or something then that kind of crap would perfectly fuel masterpieces or at least get me a Rolling Stones cover. But instead I'll eat a bunch of sweets which will only fuel a larger rear end in this summer swimming season.

But don't cry for me internet...my large rump and I are going to lounge by the pool later on and nephew Larrybird is going to come any day and it's almost the 4th of July! The sun and new life and fireworks make everything better.