memory lane

Last week I was in my room doing some much needed straightening. Aaron came over and had fallen asleep on my bed within 2 seconds of sitting on it, tired from a busy week. I turned to my iPod for company and scrolled to Tiny Cities, a whole album of Modest Mouse covers done by Sun Kil Moon and a favorite of mine. It always sounds like autumn to me and the quiet just before sleep so I was feeling very reminiscent as I listened and gathered my scattered clothes. Trucker's Atlas came up a few songs in and for the first time as an engaged lady, I was taken back to a particular fall some years ago when that song was wound around a particular boy.

I remembered he liked cameras like I did and making future plans like I did. I remembered over a Labor Day weekend when he rode LOTOJA with Christopher while I drove with Elizabeth and Tasha as support; we carried supplies and encouragement and followed them both as far as their bodies would take them. I remembered Jackson Hole and my first encounter with that breathtaking Teton range and skipping rocks across Jenny Lake with him and Elizabeth. I remembered just the two of us on a drive home through Bear Lake and Logan where the trees were brilliant shades of warm colors and the air was crisp but nice enough still when we stopped at antique stores and for raspberry shakes. And I remembered both of us having dying commitments to other people at that time, but for those few days feeling a mutual optimism and interest for the coming months.

And the coming months proved to quickly show us the end of something that still wasn't quite right for either of us (and I believe that same kind of story was repeated both before and after me with other girls), but I still consider that Jackson Hole weekend nearly perfect because everything was right.

As the song ended and another began, I curled up next to Aaron and stuck my nose in his neck. Listening to his steady, sleeping breath I thought how lovely it was to be there with him, but remembering kindly someone else.

I don't think getting married has much to do with deserving or earning or even necessarily being ready. I think it happens when it happens and that is both the excitement and frustration of dating because there is no formula to get it to end in marriage...it simply won't work until the time it does work. So while I don't think I needed my 28 years and previous dating experiences to get to here, I sure am glad I've had all of it. I racked up some pretty great moments and thrilling emotions before Aaron and last night I realized it feels wonderful to look back at them so fondly but feel perfectly right about where I am now...and to look forward to a future of new kinds of great moments and thrilling emotions.