So even though Vegas was lovely, it unfortunately didn't magically solve the sunken stomach feeling I've been carrying around at home the last few weeks. Getting back my Armenian test results yesterday and passing only 2 out of the 3 sections adds some more sinking. My own fault of course, I didn't study, I didn't prepare so I know there is nothing and no one else responsible for my results. And I think that is precisely the weight descending upon my innards; I'm responsible for where I am. I'm responsible for the things I haven't finished or accomplished, for the body I have and the money I make. I'm responsible for gathering and storing intellectual and spiritual knowledge, for developing any talents and skills. And while that responsibility for myself is why I have much preferred adult life to teenage and child life since I can control the things that worried me silly in my younger years...it's been creeping up the last few months that maybe I haven't done a very good job of most of it? I've done a great job of learning which gas stations in Salt Lake have which diet drinks in the fountain machines and I've done an awesome job of kissing hot boys, but I'm not sure either of those things matter much on the grander scale.
I'm afraid I amount to a handful of superficialities (see: kissing hot boy comment). I'm afraid that I've tried and been busy working at life, but that I've made actual wrong choices and decisions and sheesh, does that feel overwhelming. How do you shake that?
I do know I have blessings a'plenty, and that all the people in my life are wonderful. I would be a fool to not be constantly aware of that important fact. Aaron has been patient and kind about my whining. Morgan was wearing a hat with fake dreaklocks attached to it this week. Danny gave me a massage for my birthday in January that I'm cashing in on tomorrow which is fantastic timing. Plus earlier this week he sent me a Neil Halstead album that is both sad and hopeful, which is precisely how I like my self pity music to be. I have been listening to this one especially in my car whenever I am not listening to Chris Brown's "Forever" (don't judge me).
Paint A Face
Try to get the colors right
And I’ll paint you face she said
Cus life is on the outside babe
And you got to try and get it right
Buy a ten-dollar camera
take a picture of everyone
Cos people change
Yeah they change
Changing everyday
And I don’t want to be the one that you don’t recognize
I don’t want to be the one that’s left behind
Got a broken car yeah got a selfish heart
Running down the road
With a jukebox in my head
Funny how I got to here
I don’t remember how
I just want to live somewhere where the air is sweet and clear
And I don’t want to be the one that you don’t recognize
I don’t want to be the one that’s left behind
5 comments:
oh emily, as your older sister who pretty much feels like a giant failure these days, may i tell you that i think all the time that I wish i would have my life together in the way that you do. you are too hard on yourself. i love you.
This may not mean much coming from someone you hardly know but here are my thoughts.
We all at sometime or another feel as if we could do more or be better. Everyday my children remind me to be more patient, more understanding and more tolerant. Doing more and being more is an everyday decision. Each day you will make decisions that will affect the rest of your life. As long as you make them with the very best intentions and with Heavenly Father in mind you will be were he wants you to be. From what I know of you and what Aaron has told me you are a wonderful person with a great spirit and love for life, you are creative and independent. I think you are also very courageous for posting such personal thoughts. I agree with the previous post, don’t be so hard on yourself. You ARE in school, you DO have a job and I happen to think your ‘boy’ is pretty cute! You have lot’s going for you, dwell on the goodJ
I always remind myself that "if only is counterproductive". Also great to know that tomorrow is another day, full of choices and we can always make better the things we don't like. And I love the song.
My dad always said that relationships are the most important part of this life. It's not so much where we went to school, the size of our paycheck, etc. that really matter. Truth is, people love you, they want to be by you and get to know you. They move to be closer to you. I think that's a pretty fantastic measure of success. Touching people's lives is exactly what the Cliffords rock at.
Well I have more years to look back at (bad sentence construction, but true) and I have watched all of your 27 and your sister's 30 something and I will say I couldn't dream up better daughters to have. You continue to chip away at school, work and taking seriously those things which are serious, with many successes along the way. Those moments you feel less than winning become thoughtful pauses. And most important, you are good to your very bone. The fact that you think of and write such things proves that to be true.
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